After you left my attempts to straighten the day became unsuccessful, I can’t keep things in order. Let the dishes fill up the sink, forget to turn off the oven, noticed when a bottle broke in the closed cabinet, red wine everywhere, the day melts into small cups I gulp the rest of the hour cleaning, from the drying rack hangs all my towels, purple rags. Something domestic about this, felt cute scrubbing the floor. A plan to go out and buy cigarettes dies in its infancy,I put the coat on but have to lie down for a minute.
Dreamt of warriors with silver shields, woke up at seven with your smell still on my pillow. This keeps happening, that I miss the rolling over of the sky from blue to black, the spring air passes me by, I hope you biked through the park on your way back and heard the birds singing. Can’t get anything done, probably I need a phlebotomy, my insides feel slimy.
Pretend to myself that I am sick so I don't feel so bad about doing nothing all day. I Throw some stuff in the washing machine, this is a lifehack, for when I need to fix my productivity post mortem. The rest of the night is divided into 1hr 30 minute shifts, where I can stare at my phone whilst passively producing cleanliness and order.
Looked up some pictures of Adele. She looks like an instagram model now. She has the kind of face where you look younger but not young like you did when you were really young, just like someone else, a doppelganger. Remember how we talked about the beauty of translation, that some things can't be translated, how you're writing a text about a gray painting and it's called grass? I think about the madame tussauds Ed Sheeran figure posted in a window on Dam. Poor Ed, famous enough to draw people in but not for keeping behind a paywall. His waxy eyes and waxy smile and hands closing around the guitar. I wonder what he looks like when the wax is covered in layers of dust. Adele is covered in robotic shimmer, so much dew it could make her skin slide off the implants.
My clothes mold in the machine. I dont have ventilation so every time I shower I need to wipe the walls dry with a towel. The tiles are covered in spots, everything is covered in moist. I press the reset button, let the washer run again on 60,
Googled Glass skin Korean products to buy. Popup ads. Plastic surgeons amsterdam, the website shows me things I could get. Lip lift philtrum reddit after photo; looks neat. I pull my face back with my fingers- Take a picture of it, then a normal one. Spend some minutes sliding inbetween, I turn the phone upside down and stare until it's all just shapes, to get an objective view. My phone dies, how long was I on it, meeting my gaze in the black mirror and for a moment feeling a jarring clarity. Like in a high when you suddenly see yourself from outside yourself and realize how strange you're acting. That, like Alice, you’re in fact not yourself at all. Reminder to write a list later of all the books I should read, Reminder to write down the lists i need to write. I get an impulse to call you but I don't
Ano ther Day
I am on the subway, late to my job and hungover. Every morning I dress up as NK-barbie, Nk is the warehouse where I work, all of my colleagues get blowouts regularly. It is starting to become a problem that I don’t own enough white shirts. It was fine in the winter because I would just wear the same thing every day but now
it's hot out and my boss sent me an e-mail reminder of the company hygiene policy. I know I am getting fired soon because every time I work I get called into one on ones with her. Last time she told me I could try changing my voice to a higher pitch because customers are put off by my low energy. Every opportunity I have I run to the storage unit and have panic attacks, thankfully it happens frequently because we only carry double zeros in store. Everyone else has worked there for six years or something, they're all promoted to arbitrary titles like “operating manager of nordic stores”, but we get paid the same and I know they despise me for it.
A girl I vaguely know comes up to me, she says something concerning “I was just going to text you about our plans, are you still free tomorrow?.” I dont know what she's talking about, I find her voice annoying and we’re not friends. How do I ask without revealing myself, maybe we were at the same party last week. Too late, she can see it on my face. “You don't remember, do you? Dont worry about it, I was really drunk too. But you were the one who wanted to hang out, you know, We talked for like three hours” Flash memory, sitting in a bathtub “Right” I say “text you later” 
Another Day
My grandmother has a 200 year old clock in her house, the sound of the ticking envelopes us, the acoustics are different in these kinds of clocks. The sound isn't sharp or penetrating, instead it is deep, heavy. I rest in the movement of the pendulum, dutifully swinging back and forth. Outside animals move through the garden. A lilac sky spills onto the carpet through the gaps in the blinds
(AD)
I am doing an arts and crafts project about screens, I look through google images for photos of tvs, the reflection of a person in them. It makes me feel sleepy like i’m really little on the floor watching cable. In front of me storage wars, the soothing blue light. Our tv was so heavy, my mom made a dent in the floor once trying to move it. It was christmas I think, an attempt to change the feng shui of the room, put the tree in a more central position. I Google Storage wars hosts today; Storage war hosts dies of suicide from carbon moonoxide poisoning, what happened to storage wars host arrested for meth possesion? Autoimmune disease warrior storage host claps back at followers on instagram. My folder fills with more screen pictures. I am on a Chinese website full of stock photos, I am looking at sports and news, I am looking at different identical picture frames on tv stands. Many tvs have signs in front of them that say “family” or “home”. I send you a link to a youtube video titled “is this content”, someone is filming a tv screensaver with rotating screenshots of bitmoji stories. What is a bitmoji story? It only has two views. I text you: “This is really good right?”.
‘
It is after, I feel bulimic, want to throw up everything I have just consumed. Instead I put it in a powerpoint presentation, 500 slides. Too lazy to make a book or something more substantive. When I was in school most of my time would be spent doing presentations, a valuable life skill I can't let go to waste. I still hoard files from then, essays about evolution jamming my google drive. This is why I have to write in office, everything else brimming over. The only routine I maintain is deleting the daily ”JUST A NOTE: We’re reaching out to notify you of your limited dropbox… ” SMACKED. I hate capitals in the subject line, it feels like someone screaming at me. When I was seventeen I had to fill a form to get out of military service. One question was; how would you react to someone screaming at you: 5: very bad, note: start crying/ get violent. Another question: I am a social person 1: disagree strongly note: I have no friends: Interests? I have no interests, Other notes: I am gluten intolerant,I love guns. I didn't get drafted, but I wish I could send a copy of the letter to the people at dropbox,lace it with some anthrax.
I failed my final in religion because I made the first answer really long, continuing in the margins and on loose paper to get everything down, Must have been annoying to grade. Imagine, If I passed maybe I would have studied something civil now, like economics. I only got one point. Looking back at the drive now. Something sad about all the text just sitting there unread. It's mostly flash cards, Lab reports, irrelevant graphs.Amazing that you can fit all of Judaism and christianity and a little bit of islam into one doc (Hinduism is separate). I feel I have gotten exponentially dumber since I was fourteen, in my head I make venn diagrams but only for aesthetics. A venn diagram between autism and schizophrenia, between the wedding industry and valium bottles and pig farms and big pharma, between hard places and rocks, Baby Turtles (tiny, cute, swimming the wrong way),Lolita (duh) and the Hollister experience (smoke filled, horny, full of tweens)
Another note about ED
The first horror movie I ever saw was House Of Wax
***** Read, The Screaming point, Page: ****
I dont know how I feel about all this deepfake porn, where they take a photo from the yearbook and make porn from it, or I guess a kind of virtual doll that you dress in the skinsuit of your choice. Like a waxmuseum but for ordinary people, but for fucking. Leatherface is so scary, because there is nothing in the eyes behind the mask, he is a sort of void. I think the same with artificial faces, there is no sexuality, they're all corpse boies.
Another day
There is a national park in Canada live streaming a bear and her baby from their hibernation den. She gives birth in the darkness, half asleep. For months they stay there, only waking up to stretch or yawn. We still don't know how they survive without water and food. I start watching it before going to bed. I wonder if they dream too.
AD
Started writing on my phone instead of the computer, it feels sneaky. I’m like the guy taking photos of people's dogs on the subway. To the right of me three men have ordered espresso martinis, they take a photo of the drinks,but don’t toast. A moment of insecurity before, I know they want to. Martini glasses are like chekhov's guns, introduce them and the narrative inevitably moves towards the toast, it is essential. Like my doctor introducing oxascand and moving me into blackout summer. A lucky number on a bus moving the day into hyperspeed. Tonight the air is bright and full of promise, people are going places, I am happy for them.
Later, A threshold is introduced, moving us, across it